SO Deep In Feelings ✨

So many thoughts in my head so early in the morning. Simultaneously as I pour my feelings out on this page I feel the blockages inside of me preventing me from holding a thought for more than one second to allow the feeling to express. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I feel like I don’t make sense. Not me as a person but just my feelings and wants and desires and needs. They're all jumbled up in my head and sometimes I feel like I can't make clear or rational decisions to cipher through them. Which ones are actual feelings and which ones are just intrusive thoughts. I honestly blame my upbringing for this but I take responsibility for continuously allowing it. My mother made it seem that we couldn’t make sound decisions because we didn’t know anything about ourselves, about the world…it was mother knows best. For majority of our decisions, whether they be good or bad for us, were mostly met with a negative response that led to a “you don’t know anything” speech, and speaking for myself, I internalized it. Because my mother did the best she knew how to do but failed to take the time to understand her children, she penalized the child that had so many questions and shut down any act of independence resulting in a now 26 going on 27 year old woman who second guesses herself in everything and is afraid to make any changes outside of her comfort zone. In turn what my hopes and dreams manly look like now is me praying to God for a good sense of direction, praying that He tells me what to do, needing a sign to make sure I'm doing what’s right and I’m on the right path, urging Him to move me….instead of allowing Him to give me the strength of moving myself, instead of having faith in what I do, instead of trusting that I’m aligned with what/where He is leading me. No shame in needing and leaning on God for every and everything because you should, I just wish I had some foundation you know, a starting point. I feel like sometimes I just want everything to be quiet so that I can think, but even in that my thoughts are loud and drown out even the silence. I had a thought the other day about how making a decision does and doesn’t require much. Of course you think about it to see if it's the best decision for you but then after that you just make the decision and the world flows with it. Like a domino effect. For example, I chose to wake up early to be on time for work, because I woke up early for work I was able to stop and get a coffee before I went in, because I got that coffee I was able to stay focused and alert and finish a lot of work. This all happened because I DECIDED to wake up early. If you can get over the hurdle of deciding on the decisions, the aftermath just follows your lead. Where I get stuck is trying to make the right decision, trying to know what is best for me. I think it's funny how I don’t always know what is the best decision for me. But truthfully speaking sometimes I don't. It's so important to instill that confidence in your children and encourage them in making decisions and not dismissing their wants. Just talking them through it can help a lot. I feel like a teenager all over again , just relearning myself and what I want, where I want to go and what I want to do. If I close my eyes and imagine I’m sound in my decisions, I understand my feelings and ” I don’t know” isn’t the first response, I’m not so critical about every move and everything I do, I have trust, I have faith, and I’m encouraging other people to breathe and relax reminding them they are free. I’m trying to choose a narrative for myself, to rewrite what has already been written. I have the pen but unsure of what to write; what’s the best words, what’s the right angle to come from, what’s the story I want to tell or create, is it relatable. At least when it comes to writing and putting words to paper I can tell myself “ just write.” In this journey that I'm going through, trying to figure it all out, ima just write y’all. I’ll just write and hopefully it’ll lead me somewhere cause I feel like it just has to…

Until next time

-Ify 🤍